cool threads
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Ice King might need to reconsider his new business partner. Or, rather, vice-versa. Oneshot.


_cool threads_

 _(Original notes: Set after the events of elemental. ice king is still such a cool nerd. 3)_

 _Originally written May 22nd, 2016 on tumblr. Funny enough, this was the fic time period where I actually first set up my AO3 with the intent of putting this on there...a lot sooner. 8D;; no worries tho we have season seven finale soon so it's relevant enough._

* * *

Simon looked at the angry ice elemental that was still stuck to the wall. He wasn't sure of her name; she'd only said it once (so fast, if he might add), and even if she said it slowly he'd probably still forget it. She was def hot, though, but maybe not princess material. Probably not a princess. Nah, she didn't have a tiara or anything. He should've known better than to try those dating sites again, but ever since the incident with…Bessie?

No. Betty? Sounded right. Blanche? No, Betty still sounded right.

Ever since the incident with _Betty_ , his brain liked doing more and more bleps, and not the kind with his handsome face. Like it was some kinda judgment blep that kept worming at his brain or something. But he didn't know why his brain was blepping _now_. Since this hottie wasn't a princess, he wasn't even sure if he'd actually kidnapped her or not. Maybe he was getting lucky.

He shrugged. He wasn't about to question why he had such a hottie in his pad. Questions would chase her away. Instead he raised his eyebrow and eyed her up and down. It was time for the Ice King to work his charm. "Can I get you anything?" he asked, gesturing to the kitchen area with his head. "A glass of wine? Some cream o' corn? You can eat straight from the can. I don't care."

"No," the elemental said flatly, glaring at him. "Hey, can you get me down already?"

"Oh. Sure thing, toots."

With a flick and bam of his wrists, Simon let the ice loose, and the elemental fell forward on her knees, refusing his help when he offered her a hand. She stood up and patted her bun, making sure her looks was all in order. (Although, in Simon's opinion, he thought she could look just a bit messier.) When she applied a fresh coat of lipstick, she finally looked at him again, half-expectantly.

Wait, what was she expecting? Was this what the cool kids called first base?

"O-kay, Eye-Kay," she said, drawing out his initials like a cool hottie. "We're gonna have to regroup because obviously those princess dorks aren't gonna wanna hang out with us cool kids. I mean, that PB's so young but she's such a _nerd_. She doesn't even have a cool power! Like, I bet they're _all bad jelly bean flavors!_ And don't even get me started with what the slime one squirted all over me. Gross. And the flame elemental's seems like such a downer. I guess the future didn't change much after all."

"Yeah. If I may, hot ice lady, can you lighten up on PB? Pretty sure she's my daughter-in-law now."

"Wow, I didn't take you for the type that got laid."

"Ehehe- wait a minute! I get laid thousands of times! I just got laid an hour ago!" Simon could feel himself blush, but he shook his head. Ice Hottie thought she was the coolest, but if she thought that she was wrong. "Yeah, no, though, Gunter's adopted. She plays bass and sometimes she and Finn try to put me in the old blue boxes where you send mail. I'm a _cool_ dad."

"Yeaaaaaah. Anyway! So if we're gonna work together-"

"Like boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Oh. Yeah, I'm gay."

"Gay for foxy grandpa?"

"….yeah, I'm just gonna ignore what you said just now."

Simon felt a stabbing sensation in the back of his head, one of those judgment bleps again. He groaned. Somewhere in his brain he knew that Betty was behind this. But this pain was a real downer, especially around the ladies. All he could do was nod and say, "Yeah, that was a bad joke. My bad."

Ice Hottie nodded. "Good. Anyway! As I was saying, if we're gonna work together, we need to get some rules straight. We're gonna renovate this whole dump. I always thought the future would be bleak-looking, since apocalypse, hello? But this is just, haha, totally bad. Get some couches, rugs, I'm guessing a working toilet? Better lights, better floors, better…uhhhh…." She squinted a couple of Gunters waddling into the kitchen area and promptly banging around pots and pans, the noisy buggers. "Better…penguins. Oh! And of course we'll get _you_ all cleaned up! Get some nice threads on you and make you smell less like rotten fish and creamed corn and smelly old man."

"I like my cool threads, though…."

"Absolutely not. I need your help in becoming the best elemental in this land, and I can't do it knowing I'm doing it next to some old man carpet. Ugh." Ice Hottie scrunched her nose and shook her head. "But you can wait 'cause you're gonna be a challenge. First thing first is meeeee! I need a makeover because I'm thousands of years late in fashion, and you can help, Eye-Kay!"

"I can?"

"Yeah! So, first things first. It's not gonna hurt you or _anything_. Give me all of your money so I can become even hotter."

"Oh! Sure thing, hon. Gunter, give her the money."

"Wenk."

Simon grinned while the ice elemental patiently waited. Okay, so maybe she didn't swing for guys like him. Or guys. That was okay. But maybe, just maybe, she knew of _other_ hot time travelers that would be interested in him. It happened in old movies all the time…didn't it? He didn't know; he usually didn't watch more than a half-hour of a movie before falling asleep. The popcorn always made him sleepy.

Finally Gunter waddled back, holding a half-empty pickle jar between his fins. In it was some loose change, a paper clip tied to a piece of yarn, and a half-eaten pickle. Simon rubbed his hands and felt proud. This was more money than he thought. "Wow-wie, Pam, you really hit the jackpot today!"

Ice Hottie looked exasperated, furrowing her eyebrows. "My name…is Patience St. _Pim_ ," she said slowly, "and _what the FUCK do you expect me to do with THIS?!_ "

Why was she so angry? He really didn't get the ladies. "Language, Pam, and you could go thrifting, buy yourself some cool threads. Or go to the forest and trade with Lumpy Space Princess. I hear she has a good taste in fashionable paper bags."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

There she went, screaming and kicking and trashing his pad that he had _just_ finished cleaning up last month. Well, she'd probably tire herself out…eventually. Back when he still kidnapped PB and the other princesses on a daily basis, they always tired themselves out after trashing his pad again and again. In fact, they trashed it so much that for a while he just gave up on cleaning altogether, and then shortly after that Finn started rescuing them. Good times.

But if he didn't get princesses, he sure didn't get past hotties. This one sure screamed a lot. Shuffling to the TV room, he put his hands over his ears. He was gonna have to trade that pickle to LSP for some earbuds or _something._


End file.
